Arsenal relieved to secure payday loan


Arsenal has taken out a payday loan with an interest rate of 50.853% after owner Stan Kroenke revealed he has hit his last $ 10 billion.

The 73-year-old tycoon approved the £ 50 loan after The Emirates office staff informed the board that they had run out of tea bags and biscuits.

Kroenke is currently recovering at home after dropping a quarter that hit him on the back of the head.

In a statement released this morning through the club’s official website, Kroenke Sports & Entertainment said:

“We are taking a personal loan so that our valued office workers can replenish their supplies of tea and biscuits.”

‘Janice in accounts threw an absolute sh * t attack this morning when she opened the closet and found all the bourbon creams had been eaten’.

“This will help in part manage the impact of the loss of revenue we have suffered as we can no longer half fill our stadium with disgruntled supporters.”

Meanwhile, Kroenke broke down in tears as he discussed his own dangerous financial situation.

“I don’t have a pot to piss in,” he confessed to Paddy Power News.

These are unprecedented times for all of us. The wife and I narrowed it down to 14 lobster-based meals a week and we just had the waterfall feature removed from the bathroom on the 7th floor of our house ‘.

“Of course I would have liked to buy Janice’s rectangular buttercream filled rectangular cookies with money out of pocket, but sometimes you have to think about yourself.”

Eric von Swindler, CEO of payday loan firm said he was “delighted” to be helping Arsenal with a short-term loan.

‘Bonga is pleased to loan Arsenal FC £ 50 until the end of the month after which they will pay us back a meager £ 27,975’.

“We must warn the Gunners, however, late refunds can cause you serious money problems.”

In other news, after it was announced that playmaker Mesut Ozil would be leaving the club, club mascot Gunnersaurus was spotted outside a Jobcentre in Finsbury.

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